there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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