Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
