imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
