omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
