btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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