Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize