he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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