My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
