I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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