I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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