I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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