coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
