So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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