i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
