His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
