You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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