I wish I only lived at night.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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