Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
