I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize