I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
