I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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