someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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