Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
