I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
