I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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