I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
