i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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