i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
