I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Is her dick bigger than yours?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
