I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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