i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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