I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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