i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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