You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
This is my gift to your gina
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
