Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
my liver is dry heaving
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
