what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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