If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
