I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
