there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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