The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
