i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
