How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How's work?
Spinning.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My bed smells like the plague
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize