Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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