Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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