Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
