Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
