It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
