I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
