in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
