Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize