i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
