Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
