The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
