If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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