Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
