believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize