youre lurking in front of me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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