I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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