I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
