so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
